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Initial Heist
December 19, 2004
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A crack head that plays compewtah games? I know I know. This one's gots you stumpaphied.
I'll try and s'plain it to you. If you can't get it after that....That's yo problem.
As you can guessy up. I'm a crack head. I'm complete with the whole nine. I drive a
1979 Chevy Chevette, that equipped with a booming system and 22inch dubs. The spinning
kind. My car is in the shop right now though, cuz the transmission is messed up. I wear
real dirty clothings. I have brown rotten teeths and about 5 other ones that are lying
around in various locations around Fuquay-Varina. On several occasions I have been
punched in the grill. A lot. I also smell like 3 day old dried up pee. You feel me now?
Now on the day in question I was footing it around town by myself because I was looking for some
easy suckas to jack. I can't officially partake of any crack because I'm on parole and I
don't wanna go back to the uuhh "Hotel", so I gotta find something else to curb up my
addictations. You know what'm sayin? So meanwhile, I see this fine a$$ hunny sittin in
some phat german car. I was gonna go holla at her but some dude carrying one of those
shiny compewtah things walks out of a compewtah shop and puts it into her car for her.
The compewtah looked just as phat as the ride, but not as phat as the hunny. I decided to
check out the establishment since the chick went ahead and drove off. The dude that was
carrying the compewtah was the owner. Geeky looking feller. Should be easy to jack.
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I open the door and walk in.... I'm scoping and scanning on the inside..... "Be with ya in a minute.", the owner
says all geekaphied. This fool has no idea, I think to myself. Some other dudes are in the store playing some
kind of loud game that's got a lotta explosions. "What can I help ya with?", the geek asks. Now with me being
a crackhead, I don't know one scintillious of anything about no compewtahs. "Duuude, this game is like CRACK!", I hear
in the background. So off the top of my head, I'm like...."Uuuh, can I play some compewtah games Mistah Owner sir?" . ;)
"Sure, Sure buddy!", he geekly replies. "But I'm kinda busy atthemoment with some other things, but goahead and
checkoutthat computer over there in the corner.", he says. He then up and walks to
the back of the shop. I strolls on over to the table which has got another phat compewtah sittin on it almost like the
one I saw him carrying out to the fine hunny. Meanwhile, I sit down.
There's a gang of CD's right beside the computer that say Indie Game Madness! on 'em. There's also some
game boxes sittin on the shelf next to the table. Now minds you, I dropped outta school in the
8th grade, but to the best of my intellectuations, some of the shelf items said Jets n Guns, Tread Marks, Postal,
StarScape, Video Strip Poker, and oh my lawdness........... Bikini Karate Babes. Meanwhile....the geek owner starts
back up front towards me. "You checking out any of the games on the computer there buddy?", he geeks.
"I don't know how to run no compewtah!", I think to myself. So on reflex, I start tapping that keyboard thang all
panicy like. Blip Blip Blip. The screen fires up.....Bikini Karate Babes. "Eewwww WWeeee!", exclaiming to myself.
"Ahhh yeah, dawg. I'm just starting to play this fighting game here.", I reply. I sit there for 'bout 25 minutes tapping
the keys, not knowing what the pheck I'm doing, and gettin my a$$ beat up/beat down by some chicks in tyte bikinis. After
my last buttocks whooping, I finally give up and sit there for a few minutes. "Hmm.....Indie.....Game....Madness.", I renotice
beside the computer. "Featuring....In...de..pendent.... Games."; the CD reads. With an impulse that I could not
resist or control, I effectively performed my swift thumb/forefinger swipe move. Jackpot! Just as I had loaded up the
the goods into the inside of my pee infested jacket, the geek chimes in from the rear..."All done here? How'd you
like the game?" Scared the crack remnants outta me! "Uuhhh yea, dawg. That game was the bomb.", I reply.
But just to play it off even more, I had to conconjureize an evasive maneuverization, because if you want's to get treated
like a good customer, you gots to act like one. In my divine efforts to not look or act suspiciously,
I ask the owner..."Yo mayne, uuuhhh how much does it cost to get me one of these phat compewtahs?".
"Well buddy, we only use certain high end/high performance components in our custom built systems to insure the utmost quality, which
therefore provides a pleasurable computing experience based on your significant investment in said certain components.
The current wait time to have your system ready is about 2-4 weeks, depending on our individual customer and business client backlog.", he geeks to me.
"And then there's our time and expertise fee.", he adds...gapped tooths, glasses and all. "Huh, who, wha?", I ask.
"This fool just dummyfied me up, bigtime.", I think to myself. So I reply, "In esscennence, you build phat compewtahs that are
all Tricked Out with premium high end parts that perform better and look cooler than what I can buy at say uhhh, WillyMart?".
"Yes, that's right buddy.", he replies in his "you can't afford our services" tone. But I'm thinkin to myself..."You big geek a$$
dummy! I just jacked you for at least 55 of those Indie Game Madness CDroms. hee hee hee....". I mean I'm loaded down dawg.
"I would likes to have a compewtah to play these cool games now." I says. "Well here's what I'll do for ya buddy...", he
interjects. "I just so happen to have an older system that was built from some scrap parts. Take it with ya and play
some games. There's a lot of really cool ones on our latest Indie Game Madness release. So you can take a couple of these
with ya too.", he adds. "When you get up enough money, come back and see us. We'll put you into something nice. Ok buddy?" he says finally.
"Well thank you Mistah Owner Compewtah man sir!", I said. So I walked into the store with nothing and walk out with a new compewtah,
some game CD's, plus the 55 more that I jacked. "I gots to tell the crew about this fool!", I thinks to myself.
"Be sure and come back buddy.", he says as I'm walking out. Oh ho ho ho.....yeeeaaahh I will.....very often..... Will you still call me buddy
after you finds out what I just pulled off? And just wait til I gets the crew in on this. He won't know what hit 'em. ;)
Enjoy 100's of computer games to keep you from being a crack head like us.
Indie Game Madness!
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